Thursday, August 16, 2007

doubled-up ponytails

Fact one: I've stopped doing my job properly. That is to say, I've stopped opening most of the mail. It's all a downward spiral until we finally reach the end of this summer of boredom & boxes-- just one week left!

Fact two: [see below]

Further reading: 1, 2, 3, 4

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Jesus Christ Is Forever. Yes.

1. From somewhere in the American midwest: "2 sluts"

2. The Summer of 2007's strongest contender yet for the title of most unfortunately named person in Canada, though I strongly doubt anyone will ever trump last year's winner [one Wanda Chubbs (hearing that name can still make me laugh anywhere, at any time, always & forever)], but anyway I now present to you: Brenda Baldhead.

3. A little clip of heaven:

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

postcard city

"Yo what up big pimping?
I've just been ripping it up around eastern Europe..Did Russia, Poland, Ukraine, Hungary, and next week going to Greece FUCK YA. We'll hang when I get back dawg.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Return of Crazy

1. A passport application for a horse. Photos included.

2. TWO (real absolutely human) EYES, encased in formaldehyde. One left, and one right. "Hey, do you think you would see things differently through another person's eyes?"

3. Rusty the postal worker, a man I worked with a few days ago. Rusty was in his mid-40s, reasonably friendly, and asked all the normal time-passing questions ("so, where do you go to school? Howdya like the job?")...until he found out that I'm a passable creative writer and suddenly launched into an hour-long discussion about "the arts". Rusty may spend 8 bleak hours a day tossing mail onto a conveyor belt, but he secretly loves French cinema, Audrey Tautou, eclectic music, the poetry of Walt Whitman, and vacations at the beach.

One of the saddest lines I've ever heard: "I was working on an oil painting, and all of a sudden I put the brush down and decided to become a postal worker." But at least he's still keeping the dream alive. Here's to you, Rust.

4. Things I learned from skimming a badly-worn copy of the book "Secret Sex Lives of Famous People":

James Joyce= underwear fetish
Ernest Hemingway= had a "minute member"
Mark Twain= both a "late virginity loser" and known to"enjoy girls aged 16 years old or younger"
John F Kennedy= liked to have sex in cupboards
Adolf Hitler= peeping tom
Friedrich Nietzsche= engaged in troilism
Emily Dickinson= "lesbian (?)"

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Boytronic - You

Yeah, that's the stuff.

"Oh, no pass today. Sorry!"

1. The hugest, densest, most intensely terrifying box of homosexual fantasy/torture porn imaginable. But really- that shit was horrifying. "Freak Police". Over 100 different dvds being sent to a single man somewhere in Canada. "Abercrombie's Bitch". All of them set in some sort of jail or dungeon environment. Wow. It's a tough job sometimes.

2. Two reasons why long-forgotten European pop music is better than anything being made today:

Reason one! BOYTRONIC, a mid-80s electropop band founded by Holger Wobker (aka Bryllyant Berger), that initially recorded under the name Kapitän Sehnsucht (Captain Desire). They're sort of like Kraftwerk, but way worse and infinitely gayer.

Reason two! REEDS, the man the world forgot about. But he's cute-- a little Owen Wilson-esque, maybe? And he seems to like silk scarves, and dancing, and war and stuff.

3. Pancakes?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Little Dad

1. From Michigan: "one set of choices". Only $12.50 USD! I chose not to inspect contents or charge duties.

2. Poor suckers not quite funny enough for their own entry:
- purses in the shape of jumbo-sized Converse All Stars sneakers.
-"Anti-falling" herbal hair gel from Hong Kong, endorsed by Jackie Chan.
- several dozen Planet of the Apes trading cards from the '70s. (Actually, these were pretty amazing, but technically I found them last summer and have only vague memories of the discovery. Vague and amazing memories.)

3. The man of my dreams, the love of my life, the John to my Yoko, the one, the only, RONNIE DOVE. Some lady in Manitoba adores this man's singing so much that she bought three copies each of his entire discography, including a few extra "Ronnie Dove: Timeless" discs. They were shipped to her directly from Ronnie himself, at his home in Pasadena...Pasadena, Maryland.

I cannot say enough about this man. He is my dear sweet everything. Prepare to fall head over heels: "Ronnie Dove loves you"

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Gill Deacon Show Has Been Cancelled. Long Live Just For Laughs: Gags!

1. The battle for supremacy has been raging for decades (well, about 1.5 decades), but it's time to finally crown a winner: Canada's favourite suck n' cut vacuum hair styling system is the RoboCut. Hands down. Sorry, Flowbee, but you had to have seen this one coming. I mean, your "moderate noise level" and "one year warranty" were clearly no match for RoboCut's pre-assembled blades and family fun guarantee (dogs and babies included).

Step 1: escape Communism. Step 2: trim split ends!

2. The entire Nooma dvd series: digestible spirituality for the iPod generation. I watched some clips online, and even though I don't want to Believe...I have to admit, these movies are actually quite pretty. And this hip pastor looks a bit like a bleached-out Colin Meloy. Annnnd that's it! Conversion!

3. A 5xL novelty tee from Have you ever seen a five times extra large t-shirt before? Well, have you ever seen a bed sheet before? There you go.