contraband pills and cougar porn

doubled-up ponytails

2007-08-16T22:04:00.000-07:00

Fact one: I've stopped doing my job properly. That is to say, I've stopped opening most of the mail. It's all a downward spiral until we finally reach the end of this summer of boredom & boxes-- just one week left!

Fact two: [see below]

Further reading: 1, 2, 3, 4

Jesus Christ Is Forever. Yes.

2007-08-15T22:42:00.000-07:00

1. From somewhere in the American midwest: "2 sluts"

2. The Summer of 2007's strongest contender yet for the title of most unfortunately named person in Canada, though I strongly doubt anyone will ever trump last year's winner [one Wanda Chubbs (hearing that name can still make me laugh anywhere, at any time, always & forever)], but anyway I now present to you: Brenda Baldhead.

3. A little clip of heaven:

postcard city

2007-07-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

"Yo what up big pimping?
I've just been ripping it up around eastern Europe..Did Russia, Poland, Ukraine, Hungary, and next week going to Greece FUCK YA. We'll hang when I get back dawg.
-Chad"

The Return of Crazy

2007-07-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

1. A passport application for a horse. Photos included.

2. TWO (real absolutely human) EYES, encased in formaldehyde. One left, and one right. "Hey, do you think you would see things differently through another person's eyes?"

3. Rusty the postal worker, a man I worked with a few days ago. Rusty was in his mid-40s, reasonably friendly, and asked all the normal time-passing questions ("so, where do you go to school? Howdya like the job?")...until he found out that I'm a passable creative writer and suddenly launched into an hour-long discussion about "the arts". Rusty may spend 8 bleak hours a day tossing mail onto a conveyor belt, but he secretly loves French cinema, Audrey Tautou, eclectic music, the poetry of Walt Whitman, and vacations at the beach.

One of the saddest lines I've ever heard: "I was working on an oil painting, and all of a sudden I put the brush down and decided to become a postal worker." But at least he's still keeping the dream alive. Here's to you, Rust.

4. Things I learned from skimming a badly-worn copy of the book "Secret Sex Lives of Famous People":

James Joyce= underwear fetish
Ernest Hemingway= had a "minute member"
Mark Twain= both a "late virginity loser" and known to"enjoy girls aged 16 years old or younger"
John F Kennedy= liked to have sex in cupboards
Adolf Hitler= peeping tom
Friedrich Nietzsche= engaged in troilism
Emily Dickinson= "lesbian (?)"

Boytronic - You

2007-06-23T22:54:00.001-07:00

Yeah, that's the stuff.

"Oh, no pass today. Sorry!"

2007-06-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

1. The hugest, densest, most intensely terrifying box of homosexual fantasy/torture porn imaginable. But really- that shit was horrifying. "Freak Police". Over 100 different dvds being sent to a single man somewhere in Canada. "Abercrombie's Bitch". All of them set in some sort of jail or dungeon environment. Wow. It's a tough job sometimes.

2. Two reasons why long-forgotten European pop music is better than anything being made today:

Reason one! BOYTRONIC, a mid-80s electropop band founded by Holger Wobker (aka Bryllyant Berger), that initially recorded under the name Kapitän Sehnsucht (Captain Desire). They're sort of like Kraftwerk, but way worse and infinitely gayer.

Reason two! REEDS, the man the world forgot about. But he's cute-- a little Owen Wilson-esque, maybe? And he seems to like silk scarves, and dancing, and war and stuff.

3. Pancakes?

Little Dad

2007-05-30T22:26:00.000-07:00

1. From Michigan: "one set of choices". Only $12.50 USD! I chose not to inspect contents or charge duties.

2. Poor suckers not quite funny enough for their own entry:
- purses in the shape of jumbo-sized Converse All Stars sneakers.
-"Anti-falling" herbal hair gel from Hong Kong, endorsed by Jackie Chan.
- several dozen Planet of the Apes trading cards from the '70s. (Actually, these were pretty amazing, but technically I found them last summer and have only vague memories of the discovery. Vague and amazing memories.)

3. The man of my dreams, the love of my life, the John to my Yoko, the one, the only, RONNIE DOVE. Some lady in Manitoba adores this man's singing so much that she bought three copies each of his entire discography, including a few extra "Ronnie Dove: Timeless" discs. They were shipped to her directly from Ronnie himself, at his home in Pasadena...Pasadena, Maryland.

I cannot say enough about this man. He is my dear sweet everything. Prepare to fall head over heels: "Ronnie Dove loves you"

The Gill Deacon Show Has Been Cancelled. Long Live Just For Laughs: Gags!

2007-05-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

1. The battle for supremacy has been raging for decades (well, about 1.5 decades), but it's time to finally crown a winner: Canada's favourite suck n' cut vacuum hair styling system is the RoboCut. Hands down. Sorry, Flowbee, but you had to have seen this one coming. I mean, your "moderate noise level" and "one year warranty" were clearly no match for RoboCut's pre-assembled blades and family fun guarantee (dogs and babies included).

Step 1: escape Communism. Step 2: trim split ends!

2. The entire Nooma dvd series: digestible spirituality for the iPod generation. I watched some clips online, and even though I don't want to Believe...I have to admit, these movies are actually quite pretty. And this hip pastor looks a bit like a bleached-out Colin Meloy. Annnnd that's it! Conversion!

3. A 5xL novelty tee from tshirthell.com. Have you ever seen a five times extra large t-shirt before? Well, have you ever seen a bed sheet before? There you go.

nutters and mentals and the like

2007-05-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

I've moved home and started work and haven't even managed to unpack all of my shit but I am already feeling the pang to update. I'm not actually "working" yet, but please enjoy a sample of these terms and definitions copied out of an old library book I discovered and devoured while bored in the training room this afternoon:

From Drug Language and Lore by Richard E. Hardy, 1975

Bush: 1. marijuana 2. female pubic hair 3. Afro hair cut

Chippy: 1. a nice looking girl, generally with low morals 2. a prostitute

Hippies: those who like to associate with jazzmen, many of whom are drug users

Hustling drawers: underwear which is made with pockets and is reinforced so that merchandise can be slipped into them for shoplifting purposes

Nut city: a mythical place in which anyone feigning insanity is said to live (my favourite!)

Pack your keister: to hide a condom of narcotics in the rectum

Quality Joe: a person not addicted to narcotics

Roll: to attack either a weaker person or a drunk for the purpose of lifting his wallet

Square: 1. a nondrug user 2. lame

time is running out

2006-08-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

1. Arguably, The 3 Most Unfortunately-Named People in Canada: Wanda Chubbs, Scott Cocks, and Herb Assman.

2. Several copies of SCOTT MOFFATT's new album, "The Allegory of the City". Sadly, I happened to slice into a few of the cds with my knife while opening the box (an accident). Check it, yo...and make sure your volume is turned alllllll the way up.

3. From Korea, packets of "liquified deer", which is not unlike soya sauce in both appearance and consistency, and a little stinky, too.

4. A package being sent from one Jehovah's Witness to another. The contents? Forty years worth of correspondence, old photos, and HER DEAD MOTHER'S HAIR. I swear.

And, 5. One inflatable love sheep->

time for a new haircut!

2006-08-02T18:07:00.000-07:00

1. Gay porn roundup! :
"Junior's Nude Cleaning Service"
"Bi Bi Love"
"Daddy's Reform School Brats"
"Superhole Sunday"

2. One shark, one skinned mink, and two dead pigeons. All in one box, but separate baggies.

3. Six DVDs from the Puppet Master series...for over $100. Isn't the Tunneler (above) super cute?

Wanda Chubbs

2006-07-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

1. West Nile virus, in a convenient pocket-sized bottle. Stuff it in there next to your ID and condoms and gum.

2. A box containing some regular ol' cremated remains. No name, valued at $300. That stuff is heavy, let me tell you.

3. The Affair Package, from the woman's workplace to his: a business card soaked in her perfume, a mix cd (featuring her favourite singer, Michael Buble!), and a scandolous but mostly tame letter giving him sexy instructions ("Drive to an empty parking lot and put this cd on...You'll forget you are married, and I'll forget I'm married...Imagine me kissing you deeply, looking into your soul...throw this in all in a dumpster.")

4. One SAVE DUSTIN DIAMOND'S HOUSE t-shirt...signed by Screech himself!

Keep the lounge clean. It is your priviledge.

2006-06-14T19:37:00.000-07:00

1. A box full of classy S&M toys for a man named "Master Craig" in Toronto. Including, but not limited to: one Cat O' Nine Tails ("gold fibres for maximum impact"); one power-operated massage apparatus; and one "leather holster" fit for...let's face it...The Largest Penis in the World. The girth of my forearm. Swear to God.

2. A pair of Mary Jane shoes purchased by Sarah Polley. I didn't tax you! You're the greatest!

3. Bugs. Dead bugs from Slovenia. Hundreds of dried beetles. Insects falling out of bunched-up pieces of paper. Leaky cockroaches stapled to cardboard. Oh, you crazy Slovaks. (Slovenians? Slovakarians? Sloveys?)

look at that old grizzly bear

2006-05-11T20:07:00.000-07:00

Found:

1. A box full of oversized Metallica bobbleheads.

2. A custom pimp cup for "Chino"... made out of a plastic goblet and hot-glued rhinestones. $25!

3. Bear powder from Hong Kong, apparently made from grinded skull. Koala? Polar?

creeper senior

2006-05-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

May 3rd, 2006.

Found:

1. (Possibly) illegal drugs from Costa Rico going to one of the Conservative candidates for London in the last federal election. Can't tell you the riding. But I can tell you that he lost. Whistle-blow!

2. A box full of antique marbles from a company in North Dakota called "House of Stalin". For all your Stalin-related needs.